As you can see by the title, this blog post is definitely breaking new barriers to my usual style of writing. In fact, this is one of the big changes that I want to make with ‘The Growing Butterfly’; write how I would talk to you if you were to be sat across from me. So, expect some explicit language from now on because I do have a mouth on me when I get passionate (just ask my boyfriend!).
I am a self-confessed perfectionist, people pleaser, and all-round fucking stress head.
For most of my freaking life, I have been striving to make everything happen according to ‘the plan’, fitting in with the ridiculous social ideals of what it means to be a heterosexual, working-class, British female, and getting the approval and respect of everyone and anyone who I come across. I have always been an over-thinker which leads to worrying and panicking too much about even the smallest of things.
The majority of my psychotherapy has consisted of my understanding, accepting and resolving these elements of myself, yet to this today I still end up heading towards negative thought habits and behaviours that have little or no positive influence on me.
It got so bad that I had completely lost any sense of self-worth that I may have had, as I began to deprive and punish myself for being so unsuccessful, unlikeable. Basically, I 100% believed that I was never going to be good enough and doomed to fail.
Safe to say I really did fuck myself over.
All because I gave too many fucks away to things that I really didn’t need to nor truly want to. I didn’t care about my own health on any level. I didn’t think I was going to be good at anything even if I really wanted it. I didn’t believe that anyone really liked me or even dare to love me for how I really was. I didn’t see any point in looking after my body, never mind that big fucking lump of grey mass in my skull. All that I cared about was being the best at fucking everything and being liked/loved by fucking everyone (can you tell I like the word ‘fuck’?).
They say that experience does teach us a hell of a lot more than any textbook ever could. Bloody hell, did I have to learn this the hard way. Now, am not going to bore you to tears with the story of how I came to be diagnosed as mental, because there is a shit load of posts where I reveal all that juicy stuff (you can start HERE if you are want to be noisy).
But what I am going to share is one of the most life-changing lessons I have gained from all that…*drum roll*
Stop giving too many fucks.
You may already be familiar with this particular international best-seller, but fuck it, I am sharing it anyway. “The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k” by the incredible Sarah Knight, was a revolutionary read for me because it put so much of my obsessive compulsions into the spotlight and highlighted for all the fucking mess they create in my life.
Sarah is also a self-confessed overachieving perfectionist, so straight away I felt this was off to a good start. It was after years and years of suffering at the mercy of this self-inflicted (but also through social expectations) need to care too much about certain things and people, that she finally stood up for herself self and created “The Not Sorry Method”:
Step One: Deciding what you don’t give a fuck about
Step Two: Not giving a fuck about those things
Plain and simple it may sound but believe me, even Sarah doesn’t see this method as a fucking overnight success. It takes a great deal of re-focusing on what matters to YOU and ONLY YOU and letting go of that which drags your physical and mental wellbeing down the shitter.
Although I have made an effort previously to stop giving to much of my time, energy and money to things that really don’t add value or meaning to my life, it has tended to go down like a new years resolution; lasts for a few weeks, then old habits just creep back in. So that is why I really advise the practice that Sarah encourages us to do when establishing our ‘Fuck Budget’.
In making four very detailed and lengthy lists, I could clearly see how much I have been giving to the unnecessary and how little I have been giving to myself.
“Its time to flip the script, reverse the curse, and stop giving all of your fucks to all the wrong things for all the wrong reasons.”
– Sarah Knight
It isn’t that we ought not to care about others or certain things, because we each have people and responsibilities that we really can’t alter that much or if at all. BUT what we can do is work out what we can afford to give a fuck about and what we ought not to.
- How consistently I write a blog post (who really has the time for a daily blog post?!)
- When a blog post goes out (fuck you Monday morning!)
- Spending hours everyday liking, commenting and writing on social media (I call this social media mania)
- Being my true self on and offline
Now here a some of the things that I will always give a fuck about:
- Caring for my physical and mental wellbeing
- Trying to make a positive difference through ‘The Growing Butterfly’ whilst respecting my own personal boundaries (I am working progress too!)
- Making time for relaxation by myself but also with loved ones.
- Spending less time on my phone to avoid ‘social media mania’
So, big fucking thank you to Sarah Knight for this one but I hope you found this useful. If not go read the book. Then thank me later.