One thing that I will always stand by no matter what, is that I will always be honest and open. Personally, I believe it is crucial to spreading the right message to you, that it isn’t easy for some and not for others. We are human beings, each and every one of us. All having gone through hardships, overcome adversities and some still battling against the odds to make something positive out of a bad situation.
Well I hope that by sharing my journey, it can give just one person a chance to see their own potential to grow beyond their expectations, regardless of how alone they may feel.
By now you may be aware of my full story, and know that since the beginning of my journey through recovery, I really have come along way and finally begun to restore my health and happiness. Though it hasn’t been plain sailing, nor did I expect it to be. The obstacles you face come has such a shock, no matter how prepared you may be for the eventuality of them. It was obviously going to be a test of character, embarking on this Yellow Brick Road, however what I wasn’t expecting was the fact that I had to reconstruct my Emerald City.
I have won the fight against anorexia, learning to love myself unconditionally, respecting my body and mind, caring for them both because it is the most important relationship you must work on. Yet, despite all of that, the world I live in now, is not set up for contentment. Instead, I face rebuilding my entire life because of isolation that my illness surrounded me with. Having gone through those crucial teenage years, merely existing, there was no chance of me experiencing the new found freedom and responsibilities that come with growing up from 16-20 years old.
In those years, so many exciting changes happen. You leave high school, go on to college or sixth form, then onto university, or may be you go straight into your career. All of which leave you with countless memories that you have shared along side friendships and relationships, that you have gained along the way. It is meant to be where you discover yourself and the world around you. Travel, explore, experience everything that you have be longing to do since a young age, as you now have that independency to do as you please.
So what happens when you don’t get those chances?
Where do you stand in this big world?
It is questions I don’t have a solid answer for, only a combination of extremely powerful emotions that have caused me to breakdown a few days ago. Pure heart-ache ripped me in two, the physical response to these thoughts were so hard to deal with. I couldn’t withstand the barrier to holding back a flood of tears and that is when I realised that I wasn’t happy with where things are at currently.
I am reborn, but into a world that has gone on without me.
Socially struggling to feel like I belong due to the loss of friends over the years, having no real understanding of what it is like to be in a real relationship, leave me feeling incredibly lonely, lost and abandoned. Though I know I am worthy of love, acceptance and will not ever settle for anything less, there is a huge part of me that is crying out “Why hasn’t it happened yet?!“. Not having people to share memories with outside the family circle, is tough. When you are experiencing things on your own, for as empowering that can feel, it is still quite a lonely place.
For so many years I have dreamt of finding a new life, and connecting with others just by being me. This is what I was promised if I recovered from my illness, so it was a huge incentive to do just that. When I was really struggling with these thoughts, it even got to the point where I was wondering if it was easier to recover from my eating disorder, than to deal with this situation. That is a scary thought. There is no doubt that I am content with being independent, and I am happy to spend time on my own, however we all need to have a social life and connect with others. Something than I have dearly missed.
After seeking advice from my mum, rather than beat myself up over and over, she helps me to see that there are so many things that have changed in the past 9 moths alone, that are contributing towards reaching that much desired feeling of happiness. I began to accept the position I am in right now; building a business, growing my social media presence, working on building friendships, whilst constantly being surrounded with love from my family. I am stronger than ever before, with so much to be thankful for, but in the same vein, it leaves me with more to loose.
Writing this out in black and white, acknowledges the struggle but doesn’t make it harder, it makes it okay. No one will truly know things from your point of view, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real, or less difficult to cope with. By opening up and accepting the problem, you are taking a step closer finding a solution. It may be a cobble-stoned road to reach the dream, but with every tumble, comes a new lesson to learn. There is more at risk, though it is that fear of loosing it all that strives you forward, determined to reach your ambitions.
May not be there yet, or tomorrow, or next year, but it will happen.