Don’t believe that there has ever been such an urge to write so instantly since beginning this blog.
When I was seriously struggling with mental health, I took to writing in a diary to express any anxiety, fear or self-hatred as a way of rationalising it all. Well now, I feel stronger than before and believe that I should share this moment with you.
Sat up in bed, scratching and pulling at my skin whilst trying to focus on a book, my mind had other intentions of distracting me from calming down. I should really be trying to sleep, but I can’t. There is this strong sense of needing to let it all out, making it reality rather than swimming in my head.
There have been quite a lot of thoughts, that was stewing rather unpleasantly in the depths of my mind for months now. They have come up to the surface and caused this riot inside me, where there is a constant buzz of noise raging around, all attached to core beliefs of myself.
In this past week or so, I have done some silly things, mostly mistakes that to the average person wouldn’t bother them too much, but I am no ordinary person. When something doesn’t go right, or I mess up, I break down. If you could see it, you would think I was being so dramatic, crying, shaking and can’t stop moving. But it is the inner child that is crying out for help because I don’t seem to have control. It is not within my power to stop from happening when it does, which is what I had to come to terms with throughout all these years.
Knowing exactly what is going on is complex, and I am certainly not the one to unravel it right now. For one my rationale seems to be out the window more times than not these days, and so I am really my worst self-critic.
Why is it that so many of us do this?
Recovery is rather relatable to the final scenes of ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire’. The maze we emerge into, setting off on a quest for triumph and victory, will have something there waiting to get us, change us and ultimately stop us from reaching our destination. No matter what corner you turn there could always be another obstacle or inner battle with yourself that you have to face to push through.
I don’t know whether or not I am the one getting in my own way, creating these barriers or life is just out to test me. But whatever the answer, I fear I am loosing.
But what happens when you aren’t prepared? When the battle seems to be pointless and no strength left inside to fight, the body and mind have shut down, it is time to let it happen.
“We must allow ourselves to feel their glazes and downpours, but all the time knowing it is just the weather” – Matt Haig
Your feelings towards the pain need to alter for it to pass. The weather never remains the same forever, the storm will come and go – you must feel it, welcome it, and then one day you will soon be in the clear blue skies, able to face up to what is in front of you.
This is such a hard lesson to tell yourself, which I really am battling relentlessly to do. In a world so fast paced and full of pressure, the want to speedily reach your goals is never-ending. However, these constant deadlines come keen. To be honest we will not ever really make it to eternal happiness in life. Our lives are a continuous journey, always evolving and learning. But the key is to keep going on regardless.
So to turn back to the wizarding world for a moment; I have the hidden magic inside to release what is holding me back, I have the wand to help banish out my dementors and demons. Only time will show this, I just have to believe.