You will know by now if you have been following me for a while, that I am very honest about how I am feeling and about my experiences, both high and lows. Today I has come as quite a shock to my system, as I have really felt an old but familiar heavy weight press down on me. Not wanting to even shower because it is too much effort (yes I know it is gross!) always makes me click in to what is going on.
People have commented, noting my absence in the room. Yet my physical self has been there, I am not.
To describe this state of mind is complex, and very individualised, no one will ever quite react the same way. For me, it is like entering a blacked out space, filled with a silent noise that you can feel in the back of your head, pounding the wall of your skull. It is such a strange sensation. You know it is there, slowly creeping up, yet you ignore it hoping it will go away, until it is too late to escape.
What has brought this on, I couldn’t quite say, though the huge responsibilities of being self-employed and trying to live out my dreams at a million miles an hour, could be big factors. Obviously this isn’t a healthy relationship to have with ones self, as I know all too well. However, here I am putting unnecessary pressures on myself, to be at a certain point in my career, life and self, that can only be achieved with patience and time.
I am a worrier, always have always will be. The fear of worry is a huge problem, because not only do you have worries, but you also worry about the fact you worry. No matter how wonderful the situation, thoughts of doubt, confusion and fear start to override the enjoyment of life.
Reading “Reasons to Stay Alive” by Matt Haig, is the most relatable and accurate descriptions of what it is to fall deep into a poor mentality. As he puts it “you can be a depressive and be happy” which is exactly what I have been for a long good few months now. Despite having some incredible moments and achievements, I have still had strong urges to give it all up. Every time I have gone to work feeling low, the automatic smile goes on, I become ‘the personal trainer or LSF team member’ making out to be happy, when in fact it is almost like a hologram of my best self.
“Doubts are like swallows. They follow each other and swarm together”
With life comes problems. Problems cause stress. Stress creates anxiety. Anxiety is filled with doubt over your abilities to perform or achieve. Having this constant battle with myself, is taking its toll, and I believe that I am beginning to see my pit falls more clearly. Since overcoming so much, I am far more connected to my emotions then ever before, so when things start to dip, my reactions are a lot more faster and prevent the spiral down. But that isn’t stopping me from suffering from this mental block.
The reason I am sharing this with you all is because I don’t want anyone to think I don’t still struggle. Let there be no illusion to the fact that I am unable to control my mental illness all of the time. You have to learn to recognise your feelings and adapt your surroundings and thoughts accordingly to help yourself through. Sure it is still not easy, but it is a damn sight better than where it has been before.
Accepting where you are at is a massive part of positive progression. Even though I don’t like to admit it, I have to come to terms with how I am feeling in order to improve myself, and be the best I can be for my family, friends and clients.
It is important that you to take care of yourself, so respect the fact that you are doing enough, and you are enough. Dreams, ambitions and goals will all happen so long as you work with yourself rather than against. I need to take a step back, reflect on my practice as a personal trainer, and see where I can start to be easier on myself, so that I get something back every time. Being too hard on yourself will only drag you down, as I am finding out right now.
To all of you who have gone through something similar or are in the mist of the hidden darkness, know you are not alone. The fight is not over, and you can make it through as you have done so many times already. I often have to remember where I have come from, as back then, I would never have imagined that I would recover, yet look at me now. Don’t go with it, accept it, learn from it and allow it to make you stronger.
It is these moments in life that can transform your whole world for the better if you let them. Hope that my openness has helped you in some way.