It may have been a long while since I last wrote about my journey, but I have not had much chance to sit down, relaxed and reflect on what has been one of the most incredible starts to the year.
Remembering how this time last year, I believed that there was nothing worth fighting for. There appeared to be no hope for happiness, no chance of breaking out of this void I had become consumed in. Not only was there my own demons to contend with, I had the traumatic experience of living with someone else’s mental illness. The pain was deeper than ever before, as I felt responsible for all of the suffering that was going on within my family. Each day I would think of what I would do if I was on my own again. That question is not worth answering, as it could never be the option to right these wrongs. Every waking moment had to be spent with someone else, for the protection of my sanity, of fearing being alone. I had no self-content to be just with myself, for longer than necessary. This eliminated any opportunity to connect to the world going on around me. Enclosed in a dark bubble, I continued to exist without anything seeming to make a difference to the quality of life around me. The endless spiral down to rock bottom was inevitable.
Yet, last week I was travelling around London, exploring the city on my own, free to do as I pleased without anything to stop me. Time has proven to be the greatest healer, but the key to its success, is the strength that it takes to keep going as the days that pass. My decision to recover independently after everything I have been through with the services, was the best decision I have made, because it has taught me so much more about myself, and it has become reflective in the way I approach life. Without this ability to care for myself, freedom is not possible. You must first begin to find confidence in your being, trusting in the knowledge that your life is worth living for, you are here for a reason, and that reason is to be who you truly are.
As these past months have gone, my desire to spread my wings as increased dramatically. I now go out to make dreams to become my reality, with the belief in myself that I can do it no matter what. Taking a leap by going to London was a glimpse of how incredible the future will be. It was my first adventure on my own, and all that I felt before was elation for how immensely important this trip was going to be in my road to recovery. On the day it seemed that my mum was more nervous than myself, as she asked to accompany me to the platform. That in itself, shone light on how I have come along.
My mind is host to memories that I will treasure for the rest of my life. Seeing the collective works of the inspirational fashion designer, and artist, Alexander McQueen, was the most mesmerising experience I have ever had. To stand before his garments, made my heart pound. Such a surreal moment that I could never envisage coming true.
Meeting not one, but three wonderful people for the first time, is unbelievable. Their influence on my life is priceless because they too, share stories that make you realise how thankful we should be to be alive. I hope that they can all see just how amazing they are and go on to discover just what they can really give to this world.
Even just the pleasure of walking down London’s streets was so surreal. To be amongst such a vast city that I adore, taking in the sights on my own, with no anxiety about myself, is precious. Not once did I put my headphones on, I just took in all of the sounds, to soak it all in properly. Moments like that are often taken for granted, but I will not be one of those people again. There is far too much to the small things in life, as they are often the foundations to those big events that we admire greatly.
What felt so signifacant above all that happened, was seeing the Cinderella Exhibition. It wasn’t something that I intended to do, but when I found out that it was the final two days, I had to grasp this opportunity. Since I was a little girl, Cinderella has been my princess. Her role in my childhood, led me to reach out for what my heart told me to do. Yet just like Cinderella, I found myself trapped in a dark world, full of hatred and jealousy. When I saw that her favourite toy was in fact a butterfly, I had to take a few seconds. Not only had my favourite princess been reinvented, the connections to transformation and inner beauty were at the heart of this remake. Moments like this give me belief in fate. Even though she is from a fairytale, Cinderella is proof that we can all have our happy ending. Although reality may not consist of fairy dust and glass slippers, we can create our own magic within ourselves, by finding who we are and loving what we have to give.
Through out those few days in London, I have changed my outlook dramatically. I can now see that what ever I choose to do, I have to first and foremost enjoy it. It doesn’t have to lead to something bigger, or create an amazing career for myself, I just have to see every day as a blessing and eventually, success will come. We put far too much pressure on ourselves to always be progressing in a positive direction, whether that be in your body, family, relationships or work. We hardly ever take stock and remind ourselves that these things don’t always come on demand. If we focused on our own happiness, we will soon see results in our ambitions. Since seeing this for myself, I am more content than ever before, and finally learning to fly freely to achieve my dreams. I have finally transformed into a butterfly.